Despite the obvious miscarriage of former footy great Dane Swan playing for the Collingwood Magpies, as opposed to Sydney, we have to admire Swanny’s turn of phrase when he said, “Can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning,” even if he was in fact stealing a song lyric from various artists. We will credit the artist Junk Fingers, mainly because of the cool name.

Now retired, Swan provided some hilarious insights into how he would improve the Pies, who could stand upgrades, if not necessarily an outright rebuild.

Since Gary Pert handed in his resignation of the side last week, Swan immediately suggested that he would be an ideal CEO candidate. He also suggested he would go back to the ground for an occasional stint in the forward pocket, so he could round up his career goal bag to 300.

His best idea as CEO would be extended holidays for the CEO and a raise for the CEO.

As for getting upgraded talent for the Pies, Swan’s suggestion was to give players extended off seasons, which would make players from other sides want to be traded to Collingwood.

This next one might be harder to implement: a mandatory month off in the middle of the year with a tour of Europe. Anything to avoid Melbourne in June.

Instead of Casual Friday, Casual Everyday. We like that one, as the mandatory tuxedo dress code for sitting at our keyboards seems a clear case of overkill, even if it does enhance our obvious professionalism.

As CEO of the Pies, Swan would have less stress regarding his off-field behaviour, a topic that often found him on the carpet in front of Pert. Swan eventually matured and came to the realisation that running a footy club was something like trying to herd cats, or in the case of Brisbane, lions.